We started to collate the astonishing stats that made Erling Haaland’s start to life in the Premier League utterly extraordinary a while ago. He renders it woefully and embarrassingly out of date every game so let’s just keep this updated as best we can.
Bear in mind that he has done all this despite famously barely bothering to touch the ball the rest of the time.
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Here are some of his Ridiculous Stats already…
* Haaland has become the first Premier League player in history about whom formerly-good football website Football365.com has started doing a Ridiculous Stats piece and then realised to their horror is going to have to be updated once a week. At least.
* Erling Haaland has 22 goals in his first 18 Premier League appearances – better than the best scoring Premier League seasons of Dwight Yorke (20 in 32, 1999/2000), Dimitar Berbatov (20 in 32, 2010/11), Michael Owen (19 in 29, 2001/02), Nicolas Anelka (19 in 37, 2008/09), Jermain Defoe (18 in 34, 2009/10), Steven Gerrard (16 in 31, 2008/09) and Robbie Keane (16 in 36, 2005/06).
* Twenty-two goals betters Didier Drogba’s total return in eight of his nine Premier League campaigns with Chelsea, trailing only his 29 in 2009/10.
* Twenty-two goals betters Frank Lampard’s total return in 19 of his 20 Premier League campaigns with West Ham, Chelsea and Manchester City, with the midfielder’s 22 goals in 2009/10 clinging on. Just.
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* Teddy Sheringham only managed more than 20 goals in a Premier League season once, scoring 22 goals for Nottingham Forest and Tottenham in 1992/93.
* With 22 Premier League goals to his name, Haaland is seven goals clear of his nearest ‘challenger’ for the Golden Boot, Harry Kane having managed only a feeble 15 goals so far. Haaland also finished second only to Kane on the list of top Premier League goalscorers for 2022 despite not making his debut in the competition until August.
* Those 22 goals he’s plundered in his first few months in Our League are more than the career totals of Mario Balotelli, Patrick Bamford, David Ginola, Michael Ricketts, Gianluca Vialli, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Michael Ballack, Erik Lamela, Alvaro Morata, Jose Antonio Reyes, Michy Batshuayi, Arjen Robben, Joe Allen, Fabio Borini, Demarai Gray, Odion Ighalo, Alex Iwobi, Robinho, Kai Havertz, Andre Schurrle, Luka Modric, David Platt, Gareth Southgate, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Edinson Cavani, Mousa Dembele, Samuel Eto’o, Dimitri Payet, Ademola Lookman, Harry Maguire, Emmanuel Petit, Granit Xhaka, Daniel Amokachi, Diego Forlan, Serhiy Rebrov, Andriy Shevchenko, Ronnie Rosenthal, Peter Beagrie, Gavin Peacock, Timo Werner, Jack Grealish, Luis Garcia and Alf-Inge Haaland.
* Arsenal, Newcastle, Spurs, Manchester United, Liverpool, Fulham, Brentford, Brighton, Leeds, Leicester and the rest of Manchester City are the only Premier League teams currently outscoring Haaland. He trails the combined efforts of his teammates 28-22. Chelsea are level with Haaland.
* Those Haaland goals are currently coming along at a rate of one every 68 minutes. If he were to continue that rate and play every remaining minute of the league season (up to you which of these currently seems less likely…) he would end the season with 47 Premier League goals.
* By scoring nine goals in his first five Premier League games, Haaland finally knocked Micky Quinn’s name out of the record books. The former Coventry forward jointly held the previous record for most goals in his first five Premier League games with eight in the year football was invented. Sergio Aguero matched that in 2011/12.
* Haaland is already one of only six players to score back-to-back Premier League hat-tricks, but hasn’t yet matched Harry Kane in this particular field of excellence. Kane has not only done it twice, but did so in the same year (if not the same season) after scoring seven goals across the final two games of 2016/17 against Leicester and Hull before netting hat-tricks in successive games against Burnley and Southampton either side of Christmas Day seven months later. Hard as it is to credit, incidentally, that Boxing Day treble against Southampton in 2017 remains Kane’s most recent Premier League hat-trick.
* With his third hat-trick Haaland went past the all-time Premier League hat-trick totals of Gareth Bale, Roberto Firmino, Sadio Mane, Christian Benteke and Eden Hazard. He is now level with, deep breath, Cristiano Ronaldo, Romelu Lukaku, Heung-min Son, Robbie Keane, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Jamie Vardy, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Frank Lampard and Emmanuel Adebayor.
* Haaland is also level on three Premier League hat-tricks with Dion Dublin. But how many episodes of Homes Under the Hammer has Haaland presented? Exactly.
* Haaland’s three hat-tricks take Norway fifth above Spain on the list of countries to have produced the most Premier League trebles with 13, Haaland standing on the shoulders of such giants as Solskjaer, Steffen Iversen and Joshua King (two each), John Carew, Tore Andre Flo and Jan Age Fjortoft (one each). Argentina and Holland are joint-second with 18, which frankly shouldn’t take too long to topple, but even Haaland will have to hang around a few years to knock England’s 161 hat-tricks off top spot.
* Haaland is the first player in the Premier League to score hat-tricks in three successive home games, and the first Manchester City player to score a Manchester derby hat-trick since 1970.
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* Haaland is unsurprisingly the quickest player ever to reach three Premier League hat-tricks after getting there in eight(!) games. The previous record holder was Michael Owen, who managed it in a sluggish 48 games. Next best are Ruud van Nistelrooy (59 games), Fernando Torres (64) and Andy Cole (65).
* Haaland’s 22 Premier League goals have come from 67 shots and, even more ridiculously, 398 total touches. That’s a shot conversion rate of 38.2%, and a touch conversion rate of 5.52%. To be entirely clear about what we’re saying here: roughly one in six of Haaland’s touches is a shot, and one in 18 of Haaland’s touches is a goal.
* With three assists in the Premier League so far, we can add another layer of Haaland daftness there: 6.2% – about one in 17 – of Haaland’s touches produce a goal or an assist.
Post credit: Football365
Video credit: Rafael Football